Monday, June 22, 2009

What Father's Day Meant to Me...

You know I always want to keep my writing something that is fun and interesting to read...These past few weeks have been filled with a lot of sad things, not even things that directly involve me but even still my heart hurts as well...

So today as I am writing this on Father's Day I want to share with you what this day has always meant to me. When I was a little girl I would look so forward to this day so that I could tell my daddy that HE was the best daddy in the whole wide world!! I know, I know most of us say that about our daddies LOL!! It's not like I didn't tell him all of the time but he really enjoyed "his" day!! My favorite gift that I ever got him was a trophy that said "#1 Dad"!! So why do I bring all of this up, well I think I have mentioned in past posts that my daddy died almost 4 years ago.. His death was unexpected, it was a shock and a devastation to my whole world.. I was 27 at time of his death and I guess I just was not in a frame of mind that even considered that he could die because I was so young and he was only 50 yrs and 3 months to the day...

So here is his story,

October 14th 2005, the worst day of my life. A day that keeps replaying over and over, I never forget one single moment. Hubby the kids and I were on our way to visit our neice in Texas, who was thought to have brain cancer and we were so scared she was just a tiny thing I think she was almost 4 at the time. Hubbys's brother and his family were following us down the highway, we stopped and had breakfast before we left. We got through Norman, OK when my phone rang and it was my brother he says I got a call they have taken dad to the hospital by ambulance but that's all I know. Well at the same time my mom is calling Hubby's phone and he is saying tell your brother to get to the point, well he didn't know the point he just knew dad was taken by ambulance... So then Hubby pulls the car over and says no you better call her, so my phone rings and it's my momma and she says " Michelle it's your dad, he's dead" NOOO I scream your lying why would you say that and how would you even know cause you aren't married. Then my line beeps, it's my stepmom she says "Michelle I'm at the hospital I got home from work this morning and when I went in to check on your dad I found him slumped by the bathroom toilet, he had an esphogeal aneurysm and started vomiting blood, so much blood that he went into cardiac arrest and died"... So my life stopped... He was 50 years and 3 months old.... He was my life, he was my only salvation as a kid, and he was my best friend, and he was my sons best friend. Anyone who knows me knows that I had J when I was very young, but alot of you don't know that J was born on my dads birthday, dad said in spite of everything J was the best birthday present he ever had. Every year on their birthday they went to Village Inn for a birthday celebration breakfast and every year my dad would challenge J on how many chocolate milks he could drink, on their last birthday breakfast J drank 4 and thought he might puke and my dad just laughed!!!

I hope and pray every year that it will get better but it doesn't, I will forever be missing a peice of my heart that can't be repaired. They say time makes it easier, I wish I knew their trick.. Cause I don't think time has made it easier, I still have the same feelings and the same questions as I did that day. I am left with a couple of great things, my dad did some wierd things in the weeks leading to his death and one was a letter from my dad that he wrote to his "two best friends" me and my brother, another thing he brought some stuff to my house for the kids to have and stuff for Hubby and the wierd thing about that day is we were living in Derby and the kids weren't home they were down at the pond in our neighborhood fishing so dad hugged and kissed me goobye then he left but only for a few minutes cause he decided to go see the kids and he brought them back home and he came in and asked can I use the restroom? I said of course, then I went in the other room and came out to see him driving away and I thought well that was strange he didn't say good bye. Well I now know why, he wasn't saying good bye cause he was being perpared by Jesus to leave this earth. I had been a saved Christian for about 4 years at this point, and had prayed for him every night. Well God answered my prayer but not the way I thought he would. I now know from the letter he had "coincidentally" wrote and some poems he wrote that he had in fact accepted Jesus in his heart before he passed away. The question for me still remains why so young? I guess I just have to have faith in knowing that God had to take him right then. Does it hurt less knowing all of this? No, it still hurts me to my soul everyday. But I am thankful for when my time comes I know he will be in Heaven with me.

So the lesson I have learned is never take those you love for granted, cause when that call comes you want to have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sure no matter what we will always find something, but I do try harder to show my love for all of those that I love...

I also would like to tell you what an amazing man my dad was, no one was ever a stranger to him he loved everyone like they were family, once he was in a gas station and he overheard the teller say she had a new baby but couldn't afford a crib. So he left that gas station and went straight home to find a crib we had and took it back to the woman for her baby. Another time he was driving down the street and seen an older woman trying to cross the road and she was having trouble so he quickly parked his truck and jumped out to help the woman cross the road. Those are only a couple of the many wonderful things he did for people. He loved so deeply and was loved even more but I don't think he ever knew that. I found out after he passed away that he would watch my wedding video on a regular basis and cry every time he saw it. He was my rock, and I loved him very much now I watch his videos and cry every time I see them. I guess all things come full circle.

This is something I wrote back on the anniversary of his death this past October, but it fully describes my pain and the love I feel for him.. One thing I have taken from this is that life is to short to never tell everything that's on your mind, and I mean everything. I live with a horrible guilt over his death because my dad always put himself last when it came to holidays or anything else, he knew I had other family members that I had to try to "please" so he would always say "don't worry about me, I'll be here any day" now I wish I hadn't of listened to him because he's not here any day...

My Daddy...


11 comments:

  1. That's such a loving tribute to your dad, but as wonderful a man as you say he was, I don't believe he would want you to harbor even a second of guilt about him. He loved you to much for that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was a very moving post about your Dad - made me tear up a bit.

    I know what it feels like to lose someone unexpectedly - not my father - but others close to me. And yeah I think sometimes the hurt never goes away - but someone told me something a long time ago. They said that when those thoughts of lost ones suddenly pop into your head like that it means they are looking in on you at that moment. And it comforts me. I hope it brings some comfort to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a wonderful tribute to your father. You loved him so much and it sounds like he loved you more than anything! He truly was a wonderful man, to be able to help anyone, no matter who they were.
    I'll be thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i just found your blog from paint girls post today. wow, your experience reminds me a lot of my own only i am older than you so i had more time with my dad than you at your young age. i am so sorry. daddy died suddenly feb 13 2008 of a heart attack. this was a shock to all of us. i too got that phone call and i screamed and screamed and screamed. it was awful. i was going to post about him but it still hurts a lot and i didn't feel like crying...i pray you will find peace with the fact that although you can know longer be with him physically, he is very very much with you in spirit. it is hard to understand and comprehend but i really believe that god wouldn't have it any other way. he is too good! i am glad you posted about him...writing helps!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Leah~ You say the exact same thing my momma says to me:) I know that in my mind but my heart is sooo soft it won't allow me to feel things that I should feel. You know oddly enough in one of the poems that my daddy wrote before he died he spoke of his mother who died ironically in October but in 1987 and he said he thinks of her everyday and can't get over her being gone...He told me one day that I was him in every sense of the meaning...

    Stephanie~ Talk about a profound reaction to your comment I literally burst out in tears when I read that LOL!! I actually read it about 10 hrs ago and I'm just coming back to comment...It was strange how I felt when I read that, I think it was an amazing thing that you said and it hit me like a ton of bricks!!

    PG J~ You always make me smile, in everything you say your kindness just shines right through, thank you!!

    KK~ I'm glad you found me!! I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...And so recent, my first Father's Day without my daddy was not a good one to say the least...I guess we just never even fathom what those brief seconds in our life will do to us. Just hearing those words and how they stay with you forever... I totally understand your not wanting to post because it is still very fresh to you. I still cry at least weekly about my dad.. Not just because he died but because he is missing so much and I just want to hug him and dance with him one more time!! We used to love dancing, I got to dance with him at my stepbrother's wedding the June before my dad died but now I wish I would have danced just a little more.. I am so grateful that I will be reunited with him someday, I will just miss his human presence in my life. Thank you so much for your comment, I'm really glad you found me here!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh what a beautiful post. I have sat here and read this with tears. What a wonderful show of love for your dad. I am so very envious of what a wonderful relationship you had with your dad. Thank you for sharing with me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Michelle what a sad post. I'm cryin' here! I can relate to your pain. My husband's dad passed a little over a year ago and nothing can prepare you for that kind of loss. He died of lung cancer (never smoked) and we had 8 months to prepare, but seriously it was and has been the hardest thing ever. If it wasn't for God's peace and comfort that come I don't know how we would have gotten through it.

    Your daddy was a great man. I'm sure he is so proud of you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are such a good daughter! I know that your dad is just busting at the seams when he looks down on the life that you've let God create for you! Isn't it joyous that we know that it's not goodbye forever, it's just goodbye for now. Thank God we have Heaven to look forward to! Big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Amy~ Thank you, yes you are right I am very blessed to have had such an awesome relationship with him..

    FGP~ Oh that is horrible to watch someone who is dying from cancer and lung cancer is one of the worst..I am so sorry for your loss as well.

    Lin~ Your to kind to me! I am so thankful that I will see him again..Thanks for the hugs :~)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Girlie - That is a wonderful tribute to your Daddy - he is such a handsome man. I thought my Daddy was the most handsome man - he died at 52, when I was 19 - 21 years ago. For the most part, time does heal this wound. However, there are days when the ache for my Daddy is so strong that all I can really do is let the tears flow. I feel completely cheated, but God is soverign and His plan is perfect. Because of that, I move forward each day and share as many memories as I can with my kids.

    ReplyDelete
  11. BY~ Wow you definitely were young...As was your Daddy, it's just so strange when the one person who always helped you is gone...And thank you I have always thought my Daddy was a handsome man!!

    ReplyDelete

DD's Rodeo Video's