Memorial Wednesday for me

4 years ago today I lost my Daddy... He was 50 yrs and 3 months to the day old...This is something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis, some days are better than others but I continue to feel just the same as I did when he died... The biggest thing about myself that I notice is I feel like a part of me has died, there is this spot in my life where I can't be happy.. I would like to share with you a note that I wrote last year on this day..

October 14th 2005, the worst day of my life. A day that keeps replaying over and over, I never forget one single moment. Hubby and the kids and I were on our way to visit our niece in Texas, who was thought to have brain cancer and we were so scared she was just a tiny thing I think she was almost 4 at the time. Hubby's brother A and his family were following us down the highway, we stopped and had breakfast before we left. We got through Norman, OK when my phone rang and it was my brother he says I got a call they have taken dad to the hospital by ambulance but that's all I know. Well at the same time my mom is calling Hubby's phone and he is saying tell your brother to get to the point, well he didn't know the point he just knew dad was taken by ambulance... So then Hubby pulls the car over and says no you better call her, so my phone rings and it's my momma and she says " Michelle it's your dad, he's dead" NOOO I scream your lying why would you say that and how would you even know cause you aren't married. Then my line beeps, it's my stepmom she says "Michelle I'm at the hospital I got home from work this morning and when I went in to check on your dad I found him slumped by the bathroom toilet, he had an esophageal aneurysm and started vomiting blood, so much blood that he went into cardiac arrest and died"... So my life stopped... He was 50 years and 3 months old.... He was my life, he was my only salvation as a kid, and he was my best friend, and he was my sons best friend. Anyone who knows me knows that I had Justin when I was very young, but alot of you don't know that Justin was born on my dads birthday, dad said in spite of everything Justin was the best birthday present he ever had. Every year on their birthday they went to Village Inn for a birthday celebration breakfast and every year my dad would challenge Justin on how many chocolate milks he could drink, on their last birthday breakfast Justin drank 4 and thought he might puke and my dad just laughed!!!

I hope and pray every year that it will get better but it doesn't, I will forever be missing a piece of my heart that can't be repaired. They say time makes it easier, I wish I knew their trick.. Cause I don't think time has made it easier, I still have the same feelings and the same questions as I did that day. I am left with a couple of great things, my dad did some weird things in the weeks leading to his death and one was a letter from my dad that he wrote to his "two best friends" me and my brother, another thing he brought some stuff to my house for the kids to have and stuff for Hubby and the weird thing about that day is we were living in Derby and the kids weren't home they were down at the pond in our neighborhood fishing so dad hugged and kissed me goodbye then he left but only for a few minutes cause he decided to go see the kids and he brought them back home and he came in and asked can I use the restroom? I said of course, then I went in the other room and came out to see him driving away and I thought well that was strange he didn't say good bye. Well I now know why, he wasn't saying good bye cause he was being prepared by Jesus to leave this earth. I had been a saved Christian for about 4 years at this point, and had prayed for him every night. Well God answered my prayer but not the way I thought he would. I now know from the letter he had "coincidentally" wrote and some poems he wrote that he had in fact accepted Jesus in his heart before he passed away. The question for me still remains why so young? I guess I just have to have faith in knowing that God had to take him right then. Does it hurt less knowing all of this? No, it still hurts me to my soul everyday. But I am thankful for when my time comes I know he will be in Heaven with me.

So the lesson I have learned is never take those you love for granted, cause when that call comes you want to have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sure no matter what we will always find something, but I do try harder to show my love for all of those that I love...

I also would like to tell you what an amazing man my dad was, no one was ever a stranger to him he loved everyone like they were family, once he was in a gas station and he overheard the teller say she had a new baby but couldn't afford a crib. So he left that gas station and went straight home to find a crib we had and took it back to the woman for her baby. Another time he was driving down the street and seen an older woman trying to cross the road and she was having trouble so he quickly parked his truck and jumped out to help the woman cross the road. Those are only a couple of the many wonderful things he did for people. He loved so deeply and was loved even more but I don't think he ever knew that. I found out after he passed away that he would watch my wedding video on a regular basis and cry every time he saw it. He was my rock, and I loved him very much now I watch his videos and cry every time I see them. I guess all things come full circle.

So today October 14th 2009, I will visit my dad's grave as I often do. I will put out new flowers cause the old ones are sure to have faded they always do. And I will be thankful for the time I had him, and I will remember all of the people that I love who are alive and I will tell them I love you.